Today we visit relationships.  Most of them start based on chemistry, the indefinable or Je nais se quoi quality that arises between two individuals attracted to each other.  Yet once this exists couples inevitably encounter difficulties.  Conflict and confusion normally visit all relationships, but they do not have to destroy them.

In my experience, communication between members of a long-term relationship is key.  More often than not, this issue divides or unites the couple.  Usually one member has difficulty sharing emotions or, inexperience with communicating.  Also, philosophical differences arise as to what value to place on different feelings.

Thus, the partnership experiences a variety of symptoms that do not have to develop into terminal cases.  For example, one member states that feelings are transient and unimportant, but that “love” itself is not.  While the other wants to discuss every tiny variation in the landscape.

Another scenario is where one member communicates emotions as facts, and the other as opinions or not at all.  In this case, one seems to value emotions while the other sees them as a condiment to the main course of the relationship itself.  None of these views is right or wrong.  In general the view that is correct, is that a partnership requires agreement on what is non-negotiable and how to resolve conflict.

Enter The Vows.

Vows are oft misunderstood tools.  For some, they are something that the significant other “makes” him or her do, a formality.  The normal “Till Death Do Us Part” stuff.  To others, they are a commitment of some sort of preconceived ideals.  They can be neither and both.

What I recommend, especially with my consulting and organizational background, is that they become modern tools of maintaining a relationship.  I mean, if divorce follows contract law without enforcing its nuances, why not improve the contract?  Some uses of vows:

1. A mission and vision statement
2. Non-negotiables
3. Conflict resolution guidelines

I have seen great consultants succeed in business, only to fail at marriages.  Their skills were in total and utter demand in the marketplace, they could solve any issue while keeping their teams and clients happy.  These business all-stars were relationship benchwarmers.

Many things cause this contradiction.  Some dedicated all of their skills to managing work and had nothing left to guide the family when they returned home.  Others could easily manage professionally as their work was not emotionally important.  When the issue became charged with feelings that they really cared about, they stumbled and became like regular people.  Yet their self-image was that of an all-star.  Compromise often became impossible as they could not imagine that they needed to.

Although I can go on and on about relationship dividers, I would like to talk about how vows can be uniters.  But before I do, it is vital that the importance of emotions be addressed.  The greatest logical minds have inspiration before they begin reasoning.  They are inspired to study something by curiousity or because they feel that it will make them happier.  Thus, even the most solidly logical individual has emotions.

Relationships teach a person what they feel is important, and what is less so.  They also help individuals to see what works in negotiation and what doesn’t.  I have written my vows as to what I consider vital in my relationships.  What I offer, and what I will accept, and what I would like.  Furthermore, I promise what I am willing to do sustain the relationship.

As a result of this work, I now know what I need out of my relationships, what I am willing to do to preserve that, and what I am unwilling to do.  My counterpart knows clearly what she will receive and hopes to give.  When they match, we have possibilities, opportunities, and liberty.  When they collide, we have a meteoric rise and fall.

Thank you for sharing this interesting aspect of relationships.  Figure out what you want and are willing to give, and how you can compromise.  This will help all aspects of your daily life, not just long-term romantic relationships, but business and social partnerships as well.